Q – I have been in a relationships from 3 years now, my bf who is 6 years elder to me,24 now. We have always been in a long distance relationship. He is working from last one year and my problem since last one year is that we don’t have anything to talk anymore. I mean we don’t have things to share,laugh together ,cry together about. The reason is that he is working and has become so mature that he doesn’t have much to say. We love each other and don’t have anyone in our lives except both of us. Sometimes we talk about sex or about our families. But its not like it used to be when he was in college resultantly,i don’t enjoy staying together with him. I feel i am the only one speaking and he is just not paying attention. He does awesome things sometimes to make me happy and that shows how much he loves me. But i have seen my mom and dad and their relationship,in it also dad is very sophisticated and over-matured,not talking much and not expressive,but mother is like me,playful and full of life. I don’t need such a relationships like them. I want to ask what should i do, i am career focussed and don’t want this relationship to be a burden for next 5 years of college. Should i take time and gradually start maintaining distance from him? Its been like this from a year and i am sure its never going to change please tell me what to do. thank you.
I know this answer comes late and I hope in the mean time you must have found some clarity over your situation. I am glad for this question because I know many young girls who suffer from similar anxiety over relationships. Especially the long distance ones. We enter into relationships looking for love, security and stability, hoping that it develops into an enriching experience. Only those relationships are happy and healthy where both people feel a sense of fulfillment. Otherwise, the relationship will gradually become a burden.
In your case, the 1st thing worth mentioning is your age. Well, love can happen at any age but handling a relationship requires maturity and sensibility which comes only with several life experiences. Please do not assume that I am judging you based on your age, all I am saying is that you have just begun to experience life as an young adult. With time you will discover much more about yourself, about life and about others around you and this process of exploration will continue for the rest of your life. Some of these experiences or discoveries will bring you happiness and some will bring grief. However, one needs to go through these ups and downs, happiness and sorrows in order to fully understand one’s own self and the other person’s role in the relationship. Going through these life experiences, we come face to face with our strengths, weakness, vulnerabilities, insecurities and limitations. Only by resolving these issues and looking inwards can we fully understand our own self and attempt to understand others. A confused person can never fully comprehend another person. So before looking at your boyfriend’s change of behavior, may be you can begin by exploring your needs and expectations from this relationship with him. Once you have clarity over your expectations from this relationship, you can offer him the insight to your frustration. This will enable him to make sense of your apprehension.
Your life will evolve from the choices you make. If you do not want your relationship to be like that of ‘your parents’ then you will have to make choices accordingly and take responsibility for it. However, your parents have been together for many years and have successfully provided you with a nurturing environment to grow. This is a testament that people with different personalities can thrive together in harmony.
As far as your relationship with your bf is concerned, there are many factors. Feelings of trust and support are essential in any relationship. Women often feel that their emotional needs require most attention. Emotional fulfillment for women comes from various factors, two of them being- long conversations (topic not important) and physical proximity. Women establish relationships through conversations (it’s a woman thing). However, it is not the same for men though. Moreover, if you do not share the same physical environment (as in the case of long distance affairs) then conversations over common topics become rare (the feeling that you do not have anything to talk about). You both may be going to through different emotions related to your surroundings hence may have different set of priorities. This affects the intimacy of the relationship because understanding the other person becomes strenuous. But that does not mean that your bf is less trust worthy and supportive than before. If you wish to keep the conversations interesting then you both need to talk about things that interest you.
Since he is older than you and is into the professional world, probably he has new challenges that he needs to handle. Long distance relationships are tough as it does not allow people to grow together. But that does not mean that such relationships are not possible. One can maintain these through effort and honesty.
You should ask yourself how you feel about your relationship. If you really feel that the other person is responsible and concerned about you, then you should have an honest conversation with him and actively seek a solution. As you have already expressed that he still loves you, the key is to remain non-judgmental and avoid the blame game. It will do more harm to your relationship. Chances are that he is merely occupied with his new environment and job responsibilities and is dealing with the new challenges. Working from morning till evening can be both physically and mentally taxing for him, so this may also be a factor affecting the quality of your conversations.
This is a time of transition for both of you and in my opinion, if you both can support each other through this then you may succeed in healing the emotional void. This is the only way of going ahead (if that’s what both of you want). However, if you have doubts or concerns that this may not be the relationship with a future that you desire, then you can always decide what’s best for you. As I often say, the power to change our life for better or for worse comes from the choices that we make. Life offers us many opportunities to set things right, so follow your heart and live life to the fullest.