Independence vs Family : Chillamma Speaks

Chillamma Queries I am currently in the final year of my graduation. Ever since I have gained my senses, I have aspired to achieve everything that my parents couldn’t afford to have. I wish to study further and the main problem that exists is that.

By Jul 3,2013  0

Chillamma Queries

I am currently in the final year of my graduation. Ever since I have gained my senses, I have aspired to achieve everything that my parents couldn’t afford to have. I wish to study further and the main problem that exists is that my parents have nearly fixed a groom for me. The several approaches to make them understand what I want seems to be a waste. They want me to take up a job and marry the moment I am done with my graduation. They simply feel that it’s okay on my part if I don’t achieve what I wish to because there are many in this world who don’t!!! Right now, what I really feel is that it’s not an easy task to get married. It involves a lot of responsibilities. Moreover I am not ready to get married now. This thing has come in my mind that if I marry, I won’t be able to focus on my career and and all those years of preparing for higher education would go in vain….HELP!!!



Our life is the result of several planned and unplanned events which we have little control over. Life takes its own course. To achieve something we need to keep trying. How you decide to pursue your path is your own choice and the consequences follow..both good and bad. No path is without thorns and we do find flowers on the way if we keep trying.

In today’s competitive world finding a well paying job is a herculean task. It is a fact that any chances of a finding a lucrative job increase with an advanced professional qualification. Hence, on your part it seems justified that you wish to study further and you have been preparing for it as well. Therefore, giving in to the demands of your parents under extreme pressure would seemm to you like letting go of your aspirations and dreams. You feel all your hard work would go in waste and the disappointment may make you bitter and affect your attitude towards other things in life as well.


From your parent’s point of view, they might be feeling apprehensive about your higher education due to the fear of missing out on good proposals in the mean while. Some parents find that searching for a match similar to that of a highly qualified daughter as a difficult task as the number of suitable proposals get limited . They may also feel that now would be a good time as you have age on your side. It is seen in our society that as a girl gets older, finding suitors of ones liking, diminishes. Hence, from their perspective, perhaps they are eager to see you settled with someone suited for you, of their liking and to fulfill all their responsibilities to the best of their ability and satisfaction. Without trying to patronise or generalize, most Indian parents with daughters feel that their primary responsibility is to find a good match for their daughters and to see them settled as soon as possible. Your parents too may be driven by such a desire. A desire which is fueled by keeping your happiness and best interest in mind. Hence, they find it justified to put pressure on you for marriage. They may also be assuming that many girls around the same age as yourself have initially resisted getting married, however afterwards have coped up fine with their responsibilities. But it would be inappropriate to assume that you would follow suit. You can keep trying to explain to them that working towards your dream is the only thing that can make you happy as living with any regrets is a burden on the soul.


The position that you are in right now calls for a gamble that either you or your parents have to take. Either you can take the risk of accepting the request of your parents, hoping for it to prove to be the right decision, or you parents can take the risk of trusting you and letting you study further. Both the choices will come with consequences and destiny does play a big part in deciding the outcome.


Here, I would also like to add that you need to address your fear related to marriage. It is true that marriage comes with responsibilities but that does not necessarily mean that you cannot focus on your career. Many successful women today attribute their success to the support and encouragement of their husband and in-laws. There is a possibility that the person your parents have ‘almost’ selected for you is such a man. He may be willing to understand and support you to achieve your goals. Have you had the chance to speak to this person that your parents have selected ? Have you discussed your dreams and aspirations with him ? Before you make any decision, it may be wise to get to know him better. And if you still have reservations and inhibitions about him then speak to your family about it. Is it unlikely that they would force you into getting married to someone you cannot trust or someone who is not supportive of your dreams.


And lastly, when you mentioned ‘ever since I have gained my senses, I have aspired to achieve everything that my parents couldn’t afford to have’ I was wondering what circumstances led to such a pledge. Do you feel that you have had a deprived childhood; longing for things that other kids had but you could not afford ? May be your parents had financial restraints and could not yield to all your demands ? Did that leave you feeling disappointed and unhappy as a child? Do you feel that being able to afford ‘everything’ would make you a happier, a more satisfied person ? You may find some peace and answers to your confusion by doing some soul searching and reflecting over what your priorities are and in which order.


PS. Dear readers,

We know you might be eagerly waiting for your query to be resolved. Don’t lose patience, keep following this space. The next query answered could be yours.



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