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Be kind to yourself- Chillamma Speaks

Q. I am in a relationship. It’s long distance one. We were friends for 1 year and then we started dating since last March. Everything was going pretty well but suddenly she started feeling that she doesn’t love me anymore. She wanted to be a.

By Sep 7,2013  0

Q. I am in a relationship. It’s long distance one. We were friends for 1 year and then we started dating since last March. Everything was going pretty well but suddenly she started feeling that she doesn’t love me anymore. She wanted to be a friend not girl-friend. I love her a lot. But she doesn’t feel so. Don’t know why??? May be she is liking someone else now. I thought to leave her alone and go away from her life. But she wants me to be with her as a friend as she doesn’t have a good friend on whom she can rely on. I understood the situation and started being friendly with out expressing my love. But things are not falling the way I expected it to be. I am missing her sometime…most of the time. I am afraid that someday I may get frustrated of playing this role and I will start blaming her, which I don’t want to do. I tried a lot to make her forget me, so that she can be happy and I will try to live life alone. Suggest me something. N.B. It should not hurt her.


Dear reader,

How I wish that there was a magical portion to solve all the problems or a single advice that would work for everybody, without anyone getting hurt by the decisions we take or by the choices we make. But unfortunately it cannot be. This is only whimsical thinking. There is no easy way out to most situations in life. Often we are faced with predicaments that require us to be strong, logical, reasonable, practical and even act selfish at times. And sometimes people do get hurt in the process. There is no other way. Inevidently, somebody does get hurt. This is the simple fact of life that we all need to make peace with.

You have introduced yourself as a boy who is in a relationship -a long distance one- with a girl who does not wish to acknowledge your relationship as one that of lovers. However, she wishes to remain ‘just friends’ with you and nothing more. That isn’t exactly a long distance relationship !!! One-sided affair, at best. Sadly, she is not into you the way it previously was.

Your frustration comes from the fact that she needs you but not in a way you would like her to. You want to be more than friends but she does not. You tried stepping back but she said she has no one else to rely on. You even doubt that she may be interested in someone else. All this points to one direction- lack of communication. By that I don’t mean that you guys don’t talk, but that your communication lacks honesty.

I can understand that the change in her emotions may have come as shock to you and it must have left you feeling heart broken. The sudden switch appears to have left you wondering as to what went wrong. Now, most commonly things like this do not happen overnight. It’s a gradual build up that leads to the final blow. So, assuming from her prespective this change of heart may not have been so sudden afterall.

Have you tried discussing this with her ? Obviously, you still love her and care for her and by understanding what made her change her mind may offer you some insight into the relationship from her prespective. Things may not get back to how they were but a open discussion may help you guys see each other in new light and probably result in you becoming better friends. It would also offer you some closure.

How can you help her in forgetting you when you yourself are not prepared to do the same ? You are the one who still carries deeper feelings for her. You need to tell her about the turmoil that you are going through in your heart. A simple honest explaination would let her know that as much as you care for her and would like to remain friends but it is no longer possible for you to pretend like one, without getting hurt and frustrated in the process. Also, you need to acknowledge that this may be partly difficult because in your heart you know that the only way you can be close to her is by being her friend. This offers you some consolation that she still needs you in her life. You want to be the nice guy who is ready to swallow his tears and hide his frown for the happiness of his lover/friend. May be it would help if you could explore why you don’t want to make the hard decision of letting go ? Maybe by bringing her emotions into the picture, you want to remain tied down to her ?

When she experienced that shift of emotions, she came upfront with it. While doing so, she must have had some realization that the turn of events would break your heart. No matter how gently handled, with whatever sound reasoning, breakups do hurt, real bad. She knew that, but still went ahead with her decision which you accepted with dignity. Today, inspite of all that, you are still her friend, still worried about her emotions; not wishing to cause her pain. Now that you are troubled, may be it’s your turn to tell her what you are going through. I can tell you that there is no easy way to do this. It’s a choice, a hard one, that you can decide for your own sanity and integrity. Remember that it is equally important to acknowledge your own emotions.

In life only a few relationships are fully unconditional..mostly between parents and children. But disappointments exist there too. Romantic relationships are primarily conditional in nature and demand a certain sense of fulfillment from both partners to remain healthy. You know it’s not working when that sense of fulfillment is lacking. You have asked for my suggestions..and I can suggest you many things, but that would mean taking control away from you. It’s your life, so it has to be your choices.

Good luck.


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