ChillAmma

Be a friend to yourself first: Chillamma Speaks

Q. Dear Broken scooter walons, 1st of all thanx & congrats for this innovative attempt.My problem is FRIENDSHIP. Not exactly friendship,but the hurdles I am facing. My friend circle is very small & most of them are girls. And some boys. But I am not.

By Jul 12,2013  0

Q. Dear Broken scooter walons, 1st of all thanx & congrats for this innovative attempt.My problem is FRIENDSHIP. Not exactly friendship,but the hurdles I am facing. My friend circle is very small & most of them are girls. And some boys. But I am not very close to them, but hey, that doesn’t mean i am in Love. Just because i get to spend much time with girls. Just like cinemas i can do anything for my friends, because for me friendship is above any other relationship. Its been 4 years, still i’ve not got a single person who can do anything for me, whom i can trust blindly, with whom i can sing YE DOSTI HUM NEHI……………everybody seems selfish. I know there should not be any expectations in love & friendship, but my heart is not ready to accept the line, it makes expectations from these so called friends….I am very much frustrated...i can’t leave them also, because they have given me plenty of happy moments in life…i don’t know what to do, kash ke mera bhi ek boyfriend hota….


Hi there,

We appreciate your feedback and it’s very rewarding to know that our efforts are benefitting the readers.

 

Before we begin to analyze your situation I would like to draw your attention towards an issue that you have made a passing comment on. Spending time with friends of the same gender does not automatically imply that one is either a lesbian or gay. Besides, being a lesbian or a gay person is not a weakness. It is nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about. It is definitely not a disease that needs to be cured !!! I’d like the readers to know that ridiculing or tantalizing someone based on their sexual orientation is ignorance and discriminatory to say the least.

 

Now coming to the query…well I think the most obvious problem that you face is the fact that you have made the devil your friend; You are absolutely smitten by Bollywood !! I am assuming from your mail (just speculating) that you may be inclined towards viewing the world through rose-tinted glasses and that there may be a tendency in you to over romanticize some aspects of friendship. The ideologies that you have adopted may play very well on screen and the result may always be fair for the protagonist but the real world operates on a very different turf. Bollywood acts as an extremely powerful and influential medium especially for the young minds however one needs to proceed with caution while addressing issues related to life. Movies can lead people into forming many unrealistic expectations from life or from others. They play on our emotions as most movies show us what the makers think we would like to see. Which is why certain kinds of cinema, especially films about love and friendship are so popular in our country. One must realize that movies are meant primarily for entertainment; they are not the best source to draw inspirations for life. Therefore to avoid further disappointments, it may help if you would begin by exploring this aspect of your self.

 

Friendship is an essential bond, playing an important role in our emotional sustenance and I understand how strongly you feel about this. Having true friends is a wonderful gift. However, as you grow older you will realize that every relationship has its own relevance and each relationship helps and lends you support as you head in life. Though at this stage it may seem to you that friendship is above everything else, yet there are many more things which hold equal significance. The preponderance of any relationship is invariably related to one’s age, one’s circumstances at that particular point in time and the amount of emotion that one invests in it.

 

It seems like you wagered on your friends and it has not paid off. You seem to be trying hard, too hard for your own good, hoping (expecting) to build strong connections only to be disappointed, thus your frustration. You may even be feeling lonely despite being with friends. Well there is something known as ‘self defeating behaviors’ (S.D.B) , which is when one acts in ways which do not result in the desired outcome and are often in contradiction to what one wants in life. In brief, S.D.B.’s are detrimental to one’s happiness. In your case you need to identify your ‘self defeating behaviors’ and you can begin by identifying what triggers them. Feeling lonely (lack of a friendship) can make you act in ways that you think would minimize further rejection, such as avoiding making new friends, not socializing with others outside your friend’s circle or hesitating to take initiative in new social situations.

 

After identifying the S.D.B’s the next step is to challenge yourself into breaking the old patterns. Go make new friends, socialize with people whose company you enjoy, indulge in activities that make you happy, or simply try something new or something that makes you anxious. You may be pleasantly surprised !!! It’s better to have expectations from your own self rather than pinning your hopes on others. Act in your best interest, as being a little selfish is required for self preservation and happiness will follow. You seem like a sweet person and I am sure if you realize your worth then others will too. Take care and good luck.

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