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Chillamma Speaks – Questions and Answers # 4

Q. Hi, I am 18 years old girl, I was in a relationship with this guy, whom i met in my tuition. We were together for two long years. But, due to some misunderstanding between us, I had to break up. It’s been 1 whole.

By Mar 10,2013  0

Q. Hi, I am 18 years old girl, I was in a relationship with this guy, whom i met in my tuition. We were together for two long years. But, due to some misunderstanding between us, I had to break up. It’s been 1 whole year and i am not able to get over him completely. It’s not that i have not tried. But it’s not just happening; every small little thing reminds me of him. I called him up last week. We cleared our misunderstanding and had a very normal conversation. We have talked several times since then (mostly about our careers). I was already getting hopeful about renewing the old connection between us. But, two days ago, he told me he was in a relationship with another girl. Now, I am devastated again. I don’t know what to do. Should I be happy for him, should I talk to him again??? More than feeling angry on him, I feel pathetic about myself. He moved on, but I couldn’t. It’s terribly depressing, PLEASE HELP.

A. Hi there,

We empathize with your feelings. We understand that, you are deeply affected by the recent turn of events. Being together for two years, you appear to have made a huge emotional investment in this relationship. Unfortunately, due to a misunderstanding you had to breakup, however, you find yourself reminiscing and longing for moments gone by. We understand that this can make you melancholy and feel devastated.

Knowing the nature of your misunderstanding, that led to the break up, could have helped us get a clearer picture. But in general, at the end of any relationship, there is a pervading sense of loss. In some cases there is a compounding sense of anxiety due to a severe blow to the self-esteem and confidence, specially if the breakup is perceived as a rejection of your own self. Dealing with any kind loss and rejection is a very discomforting experience. Therefore, to avoid the pain, one tries makes all efforts to ‘win back’ the person. Being with the person may seem like the only way to heal and feel better again.

To regain the lost relationship, confidence and sense of worth, our heart and mind work overtime to convince us that there is no way forward but to be with that person. Hence, the pathetic feeling when things do not go as planned or as hoped.

It may even seem that no one in this world understands your pain and nobody cares. Having lost your love, you may also feel completely alone in your suffering. Hence, the feeling of devastation. We want you to know that it is absolutely normal for you be experiencing these emotions.

Everybody takes his own time to heal. Some take longer than others. With time, your wounds too will heal. However, it will be a painfully slow and difficult process if you hold on to your past. The boy you mentioned, has probably moved on and has had a fresh beginning. He is with someone else and has let you know, in no uncertain way, that currently he is not thinking of a future with you.
Or, he may even be in a rebound relationship, however, it is his decision and the realization is up to him. On your part, dwelling in the past will not change the present. It will only entrap you in a maze of conflicting emotions, uncertainty and leave you more frustrated.

In the present situation, it may seem incomprehensible for you to feel happy for him, given that you still carry some residual feelings from your past. You can choose to remain friends with him, but if the friendship is affecting you too much then its better to keep some distance for now, while you try to recover from the hangover of the relationship. However, once you move on with your own life, it will eventually become easier to accept him just as a friend, (should you choose to be).

There may be many a conflicting thoughts and desires going through your mind just now. Impulsion and distractions alike. Getting attracted to someone and developing a liking so strong for the person, that it simply seems impossible to imagine a life without him, is normal. Similarly, any rejection or heartache may seem like the end of the world. But by letting go, you will allow yourself an opportunity to heal. It will be your choice to either let one failed relationship to hold you back in life or not. It will be your loss if you let fear, anxiety or self-doubt to govern your future decisions.

These are critical learning experiences which help you in making better decisions in future. It is essential to retrogress from a non-productive state for your own growth and well-being. We want to assure you that, though it may seem overwhelming now, the sadness and suffering will soon come to pass. We understand that it may seem easier said than done. However, since its your life, you are primarily responsible for it.

At this age, your quest of life has just begun. You will meet many more people in future and make many more memories, that we can guarantee. But for that to happen, you have to come to terms with reality. Now it is your turn to move forward. Unlike, popular belief, love does not happen once in a life time. We meet new people and form long-lasting bonds throughout our lifetime.

The power to change your current state of misery, lies within you. Your happiness depends on you and your choices. Not with others. It should be your choice to get out and let go; to be happy, no matter how challenging the situation gets. Hence, open yourself and make way for new experiences. At your age, world has so much of excitement and enriching experiences to offer. Just spread your wings and be ready to soar high.

Q. Hey, I am doing my engineering in a private college in this city. I am not that academically strong. I never was, not at least in maths. After completing my 12th, engineering was the only option. I couldn’t get a good college because of maths again. It’s been two years, and my situation is no better. I barely managed to pass two maths paper but have got stuck with the third one. Not that i am really doing really well in other but because of my CBSE background I mange to fill answer sheets. I am more into art as in i really love drawing sketches. I cannot take it anymore. I have been cramming up for the last two years. No matter how much i try to love the NTs and DSTNs, I just can’t. With the  back papers piling up every semester, I feel like a complete loser. I feel like running away and joining an art school. Please help me out.

A. Hello,
We can sense a lot of turmoil and distress in your mail. You seem to feel very helpless and the only emotional outlet is to run away from the present condition. Before you make any decision, we would like you to consider some of the following points.

  • Why did you agree to take up something that was not playing to your strengths ? Was it due to parental pressure or peer pressure?
  • Do your parents know about your performance and back papers? If yes, then have you told them the reason behind the failure? And if no, then it’s time to talk to them.
  • Have you tried discussing your anxiety, and dislike for maths in particular, with your parents and teachers? If you did and were unsuccessful in making them realize then try once more.
  • We feel running away is not the solution. It is escapism and a non-practical decision. Do you have a plan to sustain yourself? It would be a better idea to talk to your parents and convince them to support your passion.
  • You have to make them see how a wrong career choice has affected your confidence and self-esteem and it is making you more depressed with each passing day and to lose hope. Show them your talent. If you share your passion and dedication towards arts, then hopefully your parents will realize that this where your interest and happiness lie.

But firstly, you need to be absolutely sure of yourself before anyone else can be approached.

Instead of carrying on with the current Engineering classes and suffering in silence, speak up! If you are absolutely sure of leaving engineering and taking up arts then instead of running away, talk to your parents and make all efforts to explain to them why this is important to you. Your confidence and dedication will eventually help win them over.

Remember, definition of success and failure is within our minds! When we feel successful, we are happy! Sometimes this definition matches with the definition of success in the society. This can bring about immense clarity of purpose and support from society to move towards your goal. Sometimes this definition does not match the societal definition/expectation of success-and this can lead to confusion and frustration both within oneself and in dealing with the society. Societal expectations can be of several kinds; peer pressure, parental pressure or simply the sociopolitical situation of your place and country. One is never truly happy till one reaches ones own definition of success.

Since you regret about enrolling for engineering it’s probably the societal factors that have influenced your decisions. If you want to try art..then ask yourself are you confident that you will be good at it! Good artist does not really mean that you would be rich! It only means you would do good art and feel happy and successful. You may or may not make a fortune in the process but you will have a more personal sense of achievement. Van Gogh never sold a single painting in his life and kept painting in spite of all hardships!

On the other hand lot of us are primarily motivated towards making it successful in front of the world! which means wealth, fame and power. Do you care about any of these things more than you care about art ? Thinking about answers would give you clarity and some sense of purpose in your life. Make sure that when you make a decision take it for what you believe is your real strength and not because you are afraid of crossing some hurdles in life-like maths, you will find hurdles on every path. Just make sure that you absolutely want to be on this path and really care for the journey as much as the destination.

Post to Post Links II error: No term found with slug "chillamma", We try to help you out with anything life throws at you. Should you have anything that’s been bugging you lately and you feel like opening up, do drop in a word about it here.


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