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Chillamma Answers: Question and Answers # 2

  Q)  I had friendship with a guy for 2 long yrs we shared all our feeling. We were so close after joining college, he was the 1st one whom with i was so close and comfortable. With the flow of time i had developed some feelings for.

By Feb 22,2013  3

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Q)  I had friendship with a guy for 2 long yrs we shared all our feeling. We were so close after joining college, he was the 1st one whom with i was so close and comfortable. With the flow of time i had developed some feelings for him he knew that and he said its ok but he did not have the same. We used to go out for few times. We talked for hrs. He teased me that i’m acting like his wife. He made me feel important. More over i trusted him a lot. So i shared my past which is horrible with him. And then he just told me that i should have not done that and said it was the end. Before this incident, we had fights so many times and he used to say the same thing that he won’t talk to me bt every time he came back. I hoped for the same this time. I called his number but he never received. Texted him,  but he never replied. Then suddenly after abt 1 month, he replied one day and then for abt a month we just texted each other. Then again suddenly he stopped to reply. I was really hurt. I just gave up, stopped every thing. After like  15 days i managed my self and sent him a mail that i don’t want to have any answers from him for what he did. Then he sent me a mail with lots of sorry and msgd me to read that mail. next day when we chatted, he wanted me to forget every thing that happened. But i was stuck in describing how bad i felt, how hurt i was. And he said “everyone get hurt in there life so i should deal with it”.  I felt so bad .. then i gave a reply to him that i can’t forgive him. After reading that mail he msged that he really meant that he was sorry but i can’t understand him even after 2 yrs; said I was never his friend and don’t deserve to be his friend.  I replied that nothing like that but he never responded. I called him but he never received. Its been 3 months.. may be i am still waiting to get back my friendship but i really don’t know what should i do?

A) Hello there,

We can understand that after investing so much emotion in this friendship, you are feeling very low and sad with the way things ended.

Yes, it is true that everyone gets hurt. With time and experience we all learn to deal with it better. In your case, it is evident that this person led you to believe that he would always remain a friend to you and yet he did not; leaving you feeling shattered and betrayed.It seems from your mail that his whimsical and contradictory behavior has caused you much sadness and hurt. His actions have left you with no clarity or closure.

Having said that, we would like to draw your attention to why this may have happened. Do you feel that your behaviour may have been responsible for this; giving him the impressionthat it is ok to walk away and come back at his will, with complete disregard for your emotions? By waiting for him and later indulging him, maybe you have allowed him to treat you in this high-handed manner? If you do not wish to go through similar experiences, then be wary of someone mistreating you (any way unacceptable and disrespectful) in future relationships. You must draw the line and make it clear to them. While, he may have sent you messages expressing sorry but the fact that he wants you to ‘deal with it’ is an indication that (may be) he does not consider himself accountable for the pain it has caused you. You shared a particularly difficult part of your life with him, making yourself emotionally vulnerable to him. However, he judged you for that and abruptly ended all interactions with you. In all possibility, he does not have any genuine remorse or concern for your feelings; or he is not fully aware of it . Hence, you still feel ”stuck” as your sentiments have not been properly acknowledged or validated.

From your mail, it seems like you are feeling lonely and looking for a genuine and stable relationship. A person who you can share your feelings with, who would not judge you; who treats you with respect. A friend who understands you and does not take you for granted. Someone who is also reliable and trustworthy. This is the standard benchmark for friendship and also for every other significant relationship.

By your description it seems like this person has failed you in all these parameters. Do you still want to wait for someone so unreliable? We understand that you shared some quality time with him and he made you feel important, however that happiness was short-lived. He never reciprocated your feelings. To resolve the conflict in your mind, you must accept the reality first. Ask yourself-by longing for his friendship, are you not setting yourself up for pain and hurt again? This person’s behavior reflects that he had little concern for you and possibly would continue to disappoint you in future. He would neither prove to be a good friend or partner to you.

We suggest, you stop brooding over this person. Your present is the most precious moment and you should focus on making it better. Meet more people, make new friends and engage in activities that make you happy. Surround yourself with positivity. Instead of having expectations from others, try giving yourself the love, kindness and the respect that you deserve. With time you will feel better and be able to make new friendships.

Q) My problem is that my gf she’s a f’*#king b*#ch , a cunning fat ass, even after all this i still love her its been around 7 years n she hasn’t replied me with a yes or no. She’s just sticking 2 one f#*king point that is ask my parents n if her parents agree she is ready for anything. i mean this is totally ridiculous man am i marring her or her parents?? both of your parents know each other quiet well but i somehow have the feeling that her mother hates me. she is doing b-tech outside Odisha n i am still stuck up at Odisha pursuing my BBA still i feel the distance doesn’t matter since we talk to each other quiet often but not regularly since she always gets irritated n makes me irritated too when ever i ask her about our future. I don’t know but she has become an addiction for me. let me seen what your network of qualified psychotherapists or whatever u call them 2 be is actually able to help me convince her to be a part of my life forever or give me any new prospective.

A) Dear soul in distress,

We understand that you are extremely frustrated; but since we do not want to moderate the questions on this forum, we would request you to use dignified language. You seem to want commitment from your gf –you like her; yet you are disrespectful towards her in your choice of words. Nevertheless, we leave it to you to decide whether you consider your choice of words to be appropriate or not.

Since it is mentioned that you guys are currently together, we assume the answer you are waiting for is regarding a future together; a marriage. Having dated her for around 7 years, it is natural for you to expect a definite answer from her; a firm yes or no. You seem frustrated by the lack of clarity in your romantic future and your ego seems hurt. However, the other perspective is that she seems to have accepted your proposal with one condition that you manage to convince her parents and they approve of your match.

There is also the possibility that, not wanting to commit, she could be using the clause only as a shield to deter you from asking her about the future. Since, you have put your emotions and future plans on hold for her; if you desire more commitment in the relationship, you have the right to ask for it and you should clearly let her know about your concerns. It’s entirely your choice, whether to wait for her commitment or to let go of your ‘addiction’. You have known her for all these years so you are the better judge of her feelings for you, hence we can only suggest that you listen to your inner voice and instincts.

However, your gf seems clear about her choices; she is at present committed to this relationship with you but when its comes to her marriage, she also cares for the approval of her parents. She seems to respect her parents’ opinion and values their involvement in her life and decisions. The message is evident – She is not breaking ties with her parents over a relationship of 7 years. By asking her to choose either one would only lead to arguments and unhappiness in your relationship.

You seem to resent the fact that she intends to involve her parents in this matter; clearly you are unable to comprehend the bond she shares with them. May be you simply disagree with her on this issue or could it be because you do not share a similar relationship with your own parents? Do you feel that – by disregarding her parents’ opinion in this matter, she would prove her commitment towards the relationship? On surface, this lack of validation may seem like the reason behind your anger and frustration; your perceived helplessness and lack of control in life (in general) or particularly in this situation. May be in reality, you are just angry with yourself for not being in command? You addressed her as an ‘addiction’; is this the only significant relationship in your life?May be underneath all the frustration and anger, there is a degree of loneliness compounded with fear of abandonment or isolation ? These are some questions for you to reflect over.

Whatever be the reason behind your resentment, the fact remains that if you are intent on a future together, you will have to make sincere attempts in that direction. Maybe you can start by finding out why your gf’s mom ‘hates’ you and work towards changing that impression. We can guarantee you on one thing -if your career is not already promising or secure they would not really approve of a marriage with you at the moment. When you feel ready to take the relationship to the next level, discuss it with your gf and then with her parents. Before that, you need to resolve your own insecurities; feel confident about yourself and have faith your relationship. Your insecurities about loosing her makes you feel not in control!. However, pressurizing her for an answer would do no good either. She may say yes to pacify you but you already know what she really wants. We have indicated earlier that this discrepancy would not benefit your relationship. Here, it is important to understand that both of you need to be supportive, respectful and accommodating of each others’ value systems and decisions. When in conflict for an answer, look inside you; pay attention to your instincts and be honest to yourself.

When one is young, you have lots of things to learn from life. Focusing on a good career is one of them. Engaging in activities that improve your future prospects for a career or improve your personal dimensions are desirable at this stage. Dedicating a part of your life towards romantic relationships is natural and enjoyable but letting the relationship take over all your life is not.

Remember your happiness is in your hands; it’s not really her decision, its yours.

 We try to help you out with anything life throws at you. Should you have anything that’s been bugging you lately and you feel like opening up, do drop in a word about it here :)

 

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  • @Chillamma

    Love the way you analyze the queries and think of all the possible existing option.I would also like to be a part of your team..Really..Love the way you handle it and say it. Want to be a part of you and learn from you. As a person you really are mature. Do let me know if you can accommodate me in your group as well..

    Cherios..and best of luck for your future

  • Saiman Biswal

    the man asking the second question is an absolute cunt for himself

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