Humor, Nonsense

The Facebook Photographers

If I ever have a son, one thing I’ll force him to pick up in life is photography, even if he doesn’t like it, because I know that it is for his own good. For, if nothing much changes about the world in a few.

By Jul 4,2012  36

If I ever have a son, one thing I’ll force him to pick up in life is photography, even if he doesn’t like it, because I know that it is for his own good.

For, if nothing much changes about the world in a few decades, photographers will continue to be the luckiest bunch of people. I mean, look at our times.

Even if you are a crazy, psycho with an oily smile, if you have a camera, you get to hang out with all the girls. Coz you take pictures. And upload them on Facebook. You are important. People need you.

Photographers are an interesting bunch. Thanks to liberalization and uncles abroad, every Tom Dick and Harry now has a camera. And every Tom, Dick, and Harry is a photographer. And every Tom, Dick, and Harry is important.

Now, I don’t have a problem with photographers as such. They are friendly people. But once they get hold of an SLR camera, there is a transformation. There are strange effects that black object has on people’s lives and they can’t shake off those effects even if they want to.

Product of their times, I tell you. I believe every generation has a set of ch***as.

In the 90s, there were the Roller Skate ch***as. These kids would roam around wearing roller skates, living testimonies of the fact that the wheel might not have been the greatest invention on earth.

Zipping and zapping from here to there, roller skaters of the 90s were like Rahul Roy, very cool – but extremely transient. Of course, then liberalisation struck us, and bicycles and bikes were available. Which meant roller skating became as cool as picking your nose in a marriage video.

In the 2000′s decade, came the Guitar ch***as. Wannabe rockstars who hold a guitar and sing songs of love, pain, and peace. The Guitar ch***as carried their guitars everywhere and threw up strange words like ‘chords’, and ‘progressions’.  Guitar ch***as strummed away to glory like everyone cared, and some of the 3-chord wonders are still available on youtube.

And then, in the 2010s, we had the Facebook photographers.

If you’re still interested, here are the rules you need to follow to become a Facebook Photographer.

The Display Profile: If you have a camera (which automatically means you are a photographer), you HAVE to put it up on your Display Picture. Otherwise, how else will the world know that you are a photographer? What if they think you’re a carpenter or something??

The Display Picture will have the person, and the camera next to/in front of the person. Remember, the man is as important as the camera and hence the term ‘camera-man’. A display picture with the person holding the camera and taking a picture of yourself in the mirror leaves no doubt in the mind that you are a cameraman/woman. You know, just in case people mistake you for a shoplifter or bootlegger. All I am saying is you need to make your identity clear.

The Advaita Philosophy: Facebook Photographers follow the duality in presence. They are different from their photographs. In fact, their photography is a separate, breathing entity altogether. So much so that there will be two profiles for the Facebook Photographer. One is ‘Facebook Photographer’ (the person’s profile), and the other is a separate page called  ’Facebook Photographer’s Photography’. If you are a Yo! photographer, you may call it ‘Facebook Shutterbugs’, or if you are confident of yourself, you may even open a page called ‘Facebook Photographers’ Fan Page’. Yes, I know!

The Original Photographers: Every photographer will use his/her originality and creativity and take some extremely creative pictures that no one earlier has either attempted or shot. Some of these extremely original photographs are:

1. The poor kid: The poor kid is guaranteed to win you ‘awww’s and ‘ooooh’s from your fans on Facebook. Screw things like Right to Privacy, I mean, they are poor right, what do they care? Then there are the photographs of babas in fairs, the close-ups of flowers, or the close up of the chameleon on the rock. Your work is to come up with such beauties and open the eyes of the rest of the world.

Editing: Once you’re done with taking the photograph, you have to remember to edit the fuck out of it. Deepen the colours, improve the brightness, alter the focus, and throw in some shadows for effect. But photography is about the photograph and not the effects, you say? What rubbish! Would Sachin be the same without his MRF? Or Karan without his Kavach and Kundal ? Or Rakhi Sawant without her …. you get the idea! Similarly, when you have those effects on photoshop, why not use it ? I mean, computers are emitting out gases and ruining the world. It’s only fair that while we are at it, we use whatever resources we have with us.

Copyrighting: After you’re done tweaking the photograph, remember to stamp your identity over it. This is done by putting your watermark over the picture. Here, it is important to remember that others may take away your picture from your profile. Hence, it is important to put the watermark clearly on the photograph. I would suggest putting a huge watermark right across the middle of the image. The watermark becomes more prominent than the actual picture? What nonsense! Haven’t you seen the most famous painting of the world?

The Global Tagger: But your work is not done after taking that terribly original photograph. You have to tag people to your photograph. This is where you have to be magnanimously generous. The more number of people you tag, the higher your ratings go. Your friend, his friend, his aunt, her neighbours, their dog, it’s vet, his child, and their teachers. No one that you know should be spared from the joy of watching you capture that poor little child on the road or that bumble bee that waltzed into your room. I mean, after all, your uncle in the US spent so much money on getting you the camera. What is the point in quietly pursuing the profession?

Follow these simple steps, and you’re all set. Remember to take your camera everywhere. The sky is the limit.

Contributed By : Hriday Ranjan

Hriday Ranjan is a blogger. In happy times, he likes to eat Maa Gajalakshmi chat. During bad times, he asks for two sukhilas from Gup Chup walas. Apart from wryding for the broken scooter he is a frequent blogger too. you can reach him here at heartranjan.wordpress.com

 

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  • Smikash

    hahahaha I laughed my ass out. lol

  • Dinesh Hegde Maneer

    LOL, I always wanted to write something similar but you shown us some truth. But there are many things to add which I will blog one day .
    thanks

  • Vinnata Rout

    OMG!! lmao…

  • Suhaas Premkumar

    Really amazing!! Well narrated 🙂

  • Awesome piece. It is true and you have vividly portrayed the so-called “photographers” of our era whose only qualification is that they own a DSLR and know their way around PS.

    I am ashamed to declare here that I am a photographer too, though I don’t possess a DSLR which is the minimum standard to be one these days. I guess people are exaggerating over a cool hobby! (No offence to the professionals though)

  • superb :).. amazingly written :)…

  • Fbphotographerumentioned

    Yeah amazing article. I hope you dint post it on facebook

  • Swateek

    Good! 😀 😀

  • ohh this is jst amazin..!!!!

  • Quarterbacker

    so you’re one of the people who give a fuck about what everybody’s upto, great!
    but do you realize what you said is next to racism?

  • SamastekhusireRuhantu!!

    Bhai sabu bhala je….
    Facebook Photographer’s Photography’… ‘Facebook Shutterbugs’…‘Facebook Photographers’ Fan Page…
    dont they sound a bit too familiar for the BBSR NEtizens….Katha kana….bamfa bamfa laguchi…kana heichi bodhe party??
    neways nice post…!!!

  • SALONI THAKUR

    Classic !!
    Loved it,but just a suggestion. These dumbasses are not photographers,these have a much better and dignified name ‘FOTUGRAPHER’ 😀

  • by far,the best article on BS.seriously man,two thumbs up..each and every word has its (double)meaning…mr scooterwala,whosoever you are,sir,you made my day.back from infy after a hard day’s work,was kind of grumpy. But one article like this and i m all teary-eyed( take a guess why 🙂 ).

    awesome ji.

  • Arpan Jain

    sachin doesn’t play with mrf tyres….n last time i checked they had no bats to make!!

  • aravind thumbur

    I wonder, how automatically I feel that this is Hriday’s write-up after reading a few starting lines……..!

  • Needless to say it’s well written (and long overdue). I especially like the cracked.com style of diction and sarcasm

  • So true.. 🙂 Love the style!

  • Jyoti Snk

    ROFL!!

  • BANG!!!

  • well no offense to anybody but i feel instead of writing sarcastic article to discourage budding photographer it wud be better if we encourage..Everybody should have some hobby ..atleast its better to stay occupied in some creative activity rather than wasting time on useless things..i know its hard for ppl to understand the pain a photographer take to snap..thats why he/she want to share it.and another point is that …hu wud a budding blogger feel if we say these day any tom dick n harry is a blogger …what u have to do is just create a blog..and start typing anything thats comes into his/her lunatic mind..i know its not that simple…n what amount of talent it require to write aarticle…same way its not that easy to be a photographer..we should respect ppls talent.the point is if we doesnt like it that doesnt mean its a crap..(if the above article is solely written to takeout the frustation than plz ignore my comment)
    and for general information,
    if any body feel that the truth hurts thats why i commented,i wud like to mention
    i have been into photography long before the facebook/orkut was available,
    i doesnt put watermark on the middle of the picture or tag ppl and ask them to promote me, well some time i do wear roller skate and zoom around the airport road.

  • Gourav

    hilarious!!! nice work

  • I think you have some kind of serious problem with the photographers on facebook !! …. Why because they do tag you ?? put watermark over the picture ?? share their picture ?? always thinking to produce the best picture ?? and the answer lies within You …. yes the problem is you … who donot like to be taged (probably have not enough mind to ask the photographer not to tag) … you who think that photography means taking closer shots & of poor babies …

    Grow Up !! it is not Facebook Photographers It is Photographers on Facebook !! … Ye there are too many budding photographers on facebook … sometime mistakes are being done by them … because they are also two legged human beings like you … sometime they also do think the bullshit and does the same as you doing in this artile … But that does not mean You will will point out this in this way …

    If you really want to talk on Photography then I will request you to start photography too …. and remembers its “Photography” not any bloody Fotugraphy !! Go on with it … feel the pain of the photographer which always remains hidden to the world then start talking ..

    Waiting for yours reply …

    Regards,
    Sankar Kanhar

  • Guest

    you people use derogatory sense for everything.this article was not next to humor, reminded me of a group of bigots, overstressed with no sense for anyone/anything. how does that feels now? every age has a trend, and masses try to follow because masses try to do something. Its better than sitting idle. the broken scooter has a face book page, it invites people to read ,check what the magazine is upto.You people are no different in posting photos. sharing etc.When you started off, it was tag , share and spam. I am humiliated, that a magazine that is supposed to be different, is just similar to the so called Facebook photographer you have described. I am no photographer, but this article is biased.what’s your problem man? very unhappy with your sick life and not able to bear so many people trying to get a share of attention, or trying to have a hobby? so you finally choose to be just another blogger, and write this shit? permissiveness man. Learn it.

    • dude, it’s not only some people their trying to have a hobby!. it’s rather hordes of pathetic pseudo-intellectuals begging to have a share of attention that is the problem.

  • Mad619

    I pheel this is an awesome piece of post! © Leonardo da Vinci Paintings! Good job Hriday Ranjan!

  • Karthik Jnanavelu

    Its been a while since I have laughed my ass off..
    Thank you Scooter!!
    I’m a photographer too and yes, this guy seems to have a kolaveri with photographers 😛
    PS- I intend no sarcasm here as this blog is supposed to be in good humor. And since reality definitely bites *ouch*, great work! 🙂

  • Roshan

    its seriously hillarious…gr8 man..i gotta say i laughed my ass and god-knows-what off!!!! 😀

  • Sidhant chand

    Bravo.. You got my words man. I wish every wannabe photographer could read this. hah!

  • Even Preet Singh

    oh…i just bought a DSLR….!!!

    😀

  • kumari ekankika

    its so right… people today r photographers not bcuz they r creative photographers but r bcuz they wanna upload der pics on fb n wanna get lots of likes…

  • haha! laughed my ass off! an article like that and my day is made 😀 keep writing!

  • rohan

    dude seriously…….who evr u r but its true

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  • love this ..

  • soumya

    i loved it. ‘shutterbugs’ haan !!! I guess i know a few of them. Talented ppl i must say. But this article was a good laugh. 😛

  • Rajshree Bedamatta

    Hriday, keep them coming man! Your blogs make my sundays really fun filled.. 🙂

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